Friday, March 6, 2009

1 & 0.

It's an age of computers.
Words aren't really words anymore, they're numbers...made up almost entirely of 1's and 0's.
Its a new century, people meet via social network and mutual interest groups, instead of local watering holes and malls.
And why shouldn't they? I reserve the right to screen my potential love interests based upon their favorite movies, bands and quotes.
There are few things worse then being on a first date and finding out that the person sitting opposite you is a die hard Poison, Marilyn Manson, Kiss, or GodSmack fan.
Still, I miss the days of old, when people actually went on first dates and had first date talks and were left feeling excited about all that was left to know.

I miss intellect. I miss intellectuals.
I miss when it was accepted as a state of being and not a numbers scale.
I'm tired of hearing post-published, coffee-break talk about taxonomy, proofs, quantum physics, periodic tables, foreign policy, religion and what goes where.
I'm bored of the smart people just being smart and not anything more.
Committing to memory everything written in books and neglecting to have a useful existence once the objective is complete. I call it the "Good Will Hunting" Syndrome, it's not officially documented in current medical journals, but oh, it will be.

It's become so important to have the most Snapple facts readily at hand and less important to actually understand how they pertain to people and the universe in general and still, even less important to do something constructive with the trigger happy, instant-oatmeal information.
In current events those who consider themselves "economically aware" are those sitting in front of the Fox news channel, watching stocks rise and fall, but not out in the working-class economy trying to make a buck. Those who think themselves politically savvy are those reading the latest CNN headlines and quoting news anchors but not taking into consideration all that they don't know. All that they couldn't know. All their good knowledge, via filtered U.S. media, serves solely as a back-up plan should Alex Trubec come-a-knockin'.

When did we become such a lazy people and make the bane of our existence: 'intellect' ÷ by what we know and 'righteousness' ÷ by what we don't do? Is it not more amiable to measure both intellect and righteousness by what we do with what we know?
If intellect is Webstered as a display of high mental capacity, there is nothing that requires equal paramount comprehension than grasping the complexity of human essence. Not even an encyclopedia.
I know it isn't scientific, but I would rather have a man courageous enough to be a man of pith, rather than have a book who can only give me the definition.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Jericho.

It's one of those days.
The days where nothing goes right,
everything falls apart, and you're left cursing the day you were born.
I don't think I need to get in to the gory details for you to understand where I'm coming from.

This blog isn't for your enjoyment, it's for my own sanity...and frankly that isn't pretty either so don't come here looking for inspiration. I'm fresh out.

Right now I'm so emotionally conflicted that I don't even know what format to write in. This is my biggest dilemma. Do I write in paragraph or open-rhyme? More conflict. That's all I need.

For as long as I can remember I have been a pretty guarded individual. Some of you that know me will agree whole heartedly while others of you don't think that describes me at all.
Confused?
Me too.
Bare with me.

Everyone is "guarded" for their own reasons and under their own conditions. Being so looks different for every person but it has some very distinctive characteristics. I don't need to dumb it down for you here. I'm sure all of us could name a few. Here's my problem. In all of the mess that has been my life I have been either too smart or too stupid to remain closed off for long.

I know just as well as any other talk show host that being guarded and not allowing others access to you only leads to a life of loneliness and unfulfillment.
So my intelligence tells me that I don't want that.
However, not being guarded allows people to perpetually destroy the things that matter, the things you worked hardest for, the things that define you.
So it's with my stupidity that I open back up.

Here's me in a nut shell...(men this is your warning)
I am indeed emotionally and mentally closed off.
I open up temporarily...almost just to get a breath of fresh air...and than in no time at all I close back up and resume my emotional hibernation.

The "why?" doesn't matter. It simply is how it is. I haven't decided to live with it forever yet, but I haven't decided to change it either.

We've all been hurt. My story isn't any more magnificent than anyone else's. We each of us take what we can handle. And what tears me apart may be more or less what tears you apart.

What gets me are the times when you thought you were safe behind your mile high walls. You hadn't cried in ages, your chest hadn't burned from hyper ventilation since high school, and your head didn't feel like it was going to explode from a "tear migraine" that inevitably ensues after a good breakdown. Just when you feel like nothing can get at you its the people who were allowed inside (family, best friends, your dog, etc.) that are able to do the most damage.

For me, allowing those "safe" people in was very low on the risk factor. These were, after all, the people that were supposed to love you no matter what. Not because of personality or merit but because of obligation, of course. You figure, your family, at least, is a guaranteed "free space".

I hate to be the one to tell you this but it's an urban myth. All of it.
People are people. Loyalty, ancestry, and faithfulness died along with Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.
I apologize for this not being the ray of hope type of rubbish that you are all used to from me...think of it as me exercising my versatility as a writer, if that makes you feel better.

I haven't found that healthy balance yet. I want to be open without being transparent, without falling in love every 5 minutes, without being with the person every second of the day and without selling myself short to the first johnny-come-lately that appreciates my cooking. I want to be guarded without being cold, without being apathetic, and without being dissatisfied with everything and everyone.
I haven't really decided what kind of girl I am but I want to be somewhere in the middle instead of drowning in an undertow on one side only to be hurled up temporarily to get a glimpse of the other.

There is a balance. Maybe it's at the bottom of this margarita glass. It's certainly not in relationships. I've looked. And it's not in self-help books neither. I could tell you it's in God, because that would be the Christian thing of me to say...but that's another relationship that would also call for an even healthier "balance". So I don't think it's there either.

And now I feel guilty, I've written this long verbose thing and I don't have a solution for you.
I'm lost just like a good amount of people out there. I'm searching for the same answers, quite possible under the same rocks as a lot of you. I don't have it all figured out. Actually, I don't have much figured out. And there in lies the problem. When you find yourself on the right side of the wall you built only to find that it could be destroyed from within too, you tend to lose direction. If there was a mistake made, I could fix it, if feelings were hurt I could apologize for it...but in the instance when there's neither nothing to apologize for and no mistakes to undo..all you can do is wait.

...and I hate waiting.

Photobucket

Friday, December 26, 2008

"After a while..."

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...

Veronica A. Shoffstall"

oldie but a goodie...had to repost this, it had been a few years and it was necessary.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

butterflies & nausea.

There's a riot in California
(There's always a riot in California)
So I drove to the "City of Trees"
To protest on capitol steps,
To the wigs, the daft, the dumb, the deaf
In a circle marching frenzy
That lead me exactly back where I started.

I was driving to Sacramento,
Dancing to the sounds of train tracks and fog horns.
But I must have taken a wrong turn
Because now I'm paying the toll at the Golden Gate Bridge
And you can't pirouette on these one way streets.

So how did I end up in San Francisco?
Standing at the door of "J.Sherlock"
Inside this pink house with lime green accents.
How did I end up in this hello-kitty room?
With gold trimming and sheer blue curtains?
It must have been by force.

There's a riot in my stomach
It's been picketing all day.
A chorus line of butterflies
Doing the can-can to a techno beat
Played by the paint bucket and chopsticks.

I was driving without you there.
And I had taken several wrong turns
I payed the price with each cowardly breath I took.
And whenever I turned around I was more lost than before.
I blame modern technology.
(Damn modern technology).

So how did I end up here?
Inside myself and letting you in.
How did I end up tearing down these walls?
And soberly giving you access
To more than just particles
To more than just ideals
To more than pretty faces that speak pretty words
To more than this life of purpose...
This life of purposeful masquerades.

How did you do it?
How did you get inside my head?
Did I invite you there? Did I mean to?
Did you give me a roofy?
Am I even awake?
Who said? Who said you could be here?
Why do I feel so happy?
So sick? So conflicted? So exposed?

Butterflies and nausea continue their riot in my stomach
And I continue to march in a circle
While you wait patiently, holding my hand
Walking along side me stride for stride
Holding your breath and just waiting...
Waiting to say..."this is where we get off,"
"Are you ready?"

And I'll be waiting...
Anxiously holding my breath
With a death grip on your hand
Butterflies kicking and screaming
And with a smile on my lips
And in barely a whisper
I'll be waiting to tell you,
"As they say Mr. Sherlock, no shit."

--me

Friday, October 31, 2008

Prop 8 Supporter asked me to define "Love"

So here it is:

Websters:

love /lʌv/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[luhv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.
============================================

God's definition: 1 Corinthians 13
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
=============================================
My definition:

see above

Monday, October 27, 2008

Would the real Thomas Jefferson please stand up?

What ever happened to The Declaration of Independence?

What was the point of that long-winded proclamation if not to state our most assured INDEPENDENCE from that which was considered "acceptable", "normal", "traditional" and "the way of things".

The men we consider to be our forefathers and founders of American democracy probably sat around playing hacky-sack with their wigs while a dunce drafted this literary drab.

It says ridiculous things repeatedly like "freedom" and "equality" and "unalienable rights".

Anarchy. That's what those words are. Straight up Anarchy.

Obviously the Declaration of Independence is no longer in effect or Today's democracy would honor little footnotes like: "We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that All Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness-That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever ANY Form of Government becomes DESTRUCTIVE of these Ends, it is the Right of the people to alter or to abolish it..."

It's obviously not very to the point so I can understand why it would be over-looked.

However, those of us who actually read the Deceleration of Independence, The Constitution and The Bill of Rights, those of us with a basic understanding of English diction...we would like to say: WE EXIST. And we exist under the same colors as the rest of The United States of America.
Jesus' epitaph did not read "p.s. gay's not included", nor did the Bill of rights say "gays exempt".

We are a nation dammit, a people of life and love. In a time of war we are a select few out to promote love, peace and the union of love and instead we seek to promote hate, judgment, prejudice and a ban on something as peaceful as marriage.

how can we be so blind?

so blind not to see that our ban on gay marriage, is the same as the KKK's ban on a free black man, hitlers ban on jews in his utopia, and societies ban on the working/voting woman.

Banning a free black man didnt stop Martin Luther King Jr or Rosa Parks, no infact it inspired the Civil Rights Movement. Hitler didnt stop the hope and impact of Einstein, Freud, or Anne Frank, no..he was defeated in World War II. Preventing a woman from voting and working as a man does didn't stop the success of the women's suffrage movement. Nor will banning people from marrying the ones they love be successful for long.

We will struggle during this war you, the prejudice-elite, have created in the new millenium where hate and judgement still run rampant. Hate spreading faster than any other cancer known to man.

Yes, we will suffer...but we will win. Just like those who lead the way before us.

Hope. Faith. Love. These three, but the greatest of these is Love.


...and it will be the ones you love to hate that show you what it means to really love.

Come on America, Declare your Independence.

could I get the definition of family?

I have 2 straight parents. They married after 3 months of courtship in Connecticut while my father was in the Navy. 9 months later they had me...14 months later they had my sister and about 2 years after that they had the youngest of us.

Prior to my birth and as the result of a short-lived relationship my mom had with a man younger than she was i became "little sister" to my estranged half brother, where it is customary when meeting his kin or posse for them to greet me with "Oh, I didn't know he had a sister."

My father left when my youngest sister was 3 months old.
3 years of marriage, 3 kids, and 3 months of pre-nuptials lead to a bitter divorce, infidelity, and a life-long battle with depression for my mom.

How did my father fare? he married the woman he cheated with, adopted her 2 daughters and now lives in upper-class suburbia where he runs for political offices in his community.



So tell me, oh ye better educated, what IS family and wherever did you get your definition?


Skip ahead 17 years later, after a child and teen-hood of physical, sexual, emotional and mental abuse. I get diagnosed with menniers disease and lose my hearing because of so-called "stress", I miss a year of high school, I drop out, get my g.e.d., move out of the house, get arrested for allegedly being "a runaway", and somehow make it out of their alive without ever once turning to drugs, sex or alcohol. By the time I was 17 I had completed a year and a half of college course work and maintained a 3.8 grade point average, while also being the MVP for the soccer team. (My jersey number, ironically was 3...my mantra, now and forever being my holocaust branding).

I was, by all accounts, not typical.

My family was the cause for a lot of unnecessary pain in my life. Each person trying desperately to be what they're not. Whether my dad wasn't Christian enough, or my mom wasn't wild enough, my brother wasn't "legitimate" enough, or my sisters and i not collateral enough...

We all fell short.

What saved me from sex, high school partying, drugs, alcohol, and teen depression were my faith and the people I CONSIDER "family".

"My family" was made up of 3 kids who weren't afraid to exist. We found each other in the dark and made our way to the light, guided by our faith and our instinct of what it means to be alive. We were all emotionally drowning.
"My family" came from a past of cutting, abuse of every kind, suicide, masochism, self-loathing, and pain.
"My family" is in no way related to me, we don't share the same ancestry or bloodline. One of us is Gay, One of us is celibate, and One of us is straight and straight up lost.

And WE ARE A FAMILY. We three, are a unit. We share the same pain, the same faith, the same hope, the same love and the same God.

We have the same needs, the need for companionship, understanding, acceptance, patience, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, and unadulterated love. The need for God, the need for food, drink, sex, and complete and utter honesty.

We are by all accounts, made equal. And by all accounts are equally driven to seek out love wherever it is best found. Be it in God, man, woman, same sex, or opposite sex.

Being Gay is not to make up for what we didn't get as a child, being straight isn't an testament to a strong-loving home, and being celibate is not a result of rape or sexual abuse.

My part gay, part straight, part celibate family saved me from death. They saved my from a life of anger, resentment and hate. "My family" taught me love.
And because of THAT "family", I am finally able to heal with my own family.

Vote no on 8 not because you're against "Family" but because you're for a family that actually wants to be together.