It occurred to me today, for no particular reason, that it has been six months since the fated end of my last relationship. Here it is, the festive day of Patrick the Saint and I am awake...blogging...about my "x".
Stick a half eaten carton of “Chunky Monkey” in front of me and I would make a perfectly sad cliche’. (Chocolate Chip is in the freezer, so that makes me ahead of the curve). <— This is what it takes to make me feel superior. Wow.
Stick a half eaten carton of “Chunky Monkey” in front of me and I would make a perfectly sad cliche’. (Chocolate Chip is in the freezer, so that makes me ahead of the curve). <— This is what it takes to make me feel superior. Wow.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Some time later - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In an effort to widen the gap between me and every other sad dumpee who pours their heart out to their online diary - I’ve taken to distracting myself in a hip, young, intelligent, “it’s not me, it’s you”, sorta way.
a la “How to: HTML”
Widen gap ftw
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - even more time later - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
But what if it IS me?
I mean I’m pushing 25 and the world is going to end soon and I haven’t had my roots done in at least a month which could be a clear indication that I’ve “let myself go”, and the fact that i’m in this phase where I think my grey wife-beater goes with everything, (everything), isn’t helping my case for “it’s you”; and he might have sensed all along that I was this mess of a person!
Either that or he found out I’m not a real blonde…
Nah.
He knew I would one day wear wife-beaters for days at a time over my yoga pants and traipse around Los Angeles under the half-implied impression that I was always coming or going from an intense yoga workout.
It IS me!
Well fanfuckingtastic. That damnable phrase about “coming full circle” applies.
Gap Narrowed.
Double Chocolate Chip.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - you now gather what the dashes mean - - - - - - - - - - -
There’s really nothing to be said. And since that person I call my best friend has started counting my calories for me (yes, it’s like that), I can’t eat my feelings either. So i’m forced to confront them.
6 months at a time.
Fortunately I can’t fit it into my schedule at present.
All I know is that from time to time I catch myself moving forward, but thinking backward and my mental odometer is getting confused.
Paulo Coelho has been my literary Xanax when he wrote in the Alchemist “If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return.”
There’s something nurturing about that statement. Even more so when read in context. I may not have the time or even the wisdom to decipher what any of my internal communicators are telling me about love, life, and growing up - but for now I just have faith and a Coldstones punch card, and that’s good enough for me.
It would seem that even if I circle, and circle, and circle and step forward then back, then forward again; I’m in this calm place where I’ve learned to:
- appreciate things more (colors brighter. flowers prettier. grass greener. etc.)
- adopt “only time will tell” into my phraseology
- conceded that patience really is a virtue (and not necessarily one I will ever attain).
- set a new standard for when, how or if I enter into a relationship.
- I know, choosing to be single on purpose during my early (I can still say early) twenties when the pickings are good is brave/stupid/cat-ladyesque.
- learned to value love, via loss, but still - deeper meaning attained.
- and I’m still being taught about all the little nuts and bolts that make up my composite.
Whatever lost, whatever (to be) gained - there are things that are building and abiding and I’m going to cherish that. Always.
"set a new standard for when, how or if I enter into a relationship. "
ReplyDeleteMost important lesson I've learned in the last two years.
The Alchemist was rad. I read it in a day, and you just inspired a re-read. Always good to read your words.... especially when they have to do with living and learning. Our written words seem to have a way of pulling lessons from our life experiences. I came here to blogger.com to do a little gleaning of my own and was pleasantly surprised to find some new material of yours.......