- After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...
Veronica A. Shoffstall"
Friday, December 26, 2008
"After a while..."
Saturday, November 29, 2008
butterflies & nausea.
There's a riot in California
(There's always a riot in California)
So I drove to the "City of Trees"
To protest on capitol steps,
To the wigs, the daft, the dumb, the deaf
In a circle marching frenzy
That lead me exactly back where I started.
I was driving to Sacramento,
Dancing to the sounds of train tracks and fog horns.
But I must have taken a wrong turn
Because now I'm paying the toll at the Golden Gate Bridge
And you can't pirouette on these one way streets.
So how did I end up in San Francisco?
Standing at the door of "J.Sherlock"
Inside this pink house with lime green accents.
How did I end up in this hello-kitty room?
With gold trimming and sheer blue curtains?
It must have been by force.
There's a riot in my stomach
It's been picketing all day.
A chorus line of butterflies
Doing the can-can to a techno beat
Played by the paint bucket and chopsticks.
I was driving without you there.
And I had taken several wrong turns
I payed the price with each cowardly breath I took.
And whenever I turned around I was more lost than before.
I blame modern technology.
(Damn modern technology).
So how did I end up here?
Inside myself and letting you in.
How did I end up tearing down these walls?
And soberly giving you access
To more than just particles
To more than just ideals
To more than pretty faces that speak pretty words
To more than this life of purpose...
This life of purposeful masquerades.
How did you do it?
How did you get inside my head?
Did I invite you there? Did I mean to?
Did you give me a roofy?
Am I even awake?
Who said? Who said you could be here?
Why do I feel so happy?
So sick? So conflicted? So exposed?
Butterflies and nausea continue their riot in my stomach
And I continue to march in a circle
While you wait patiently, holding my hand
Walking along side me stride for stride
Holding your breath and just waiting...
Waiting to say..."this is where we get off,"
"Are you ready?"
And I'll be waiting...
Anxiously holding my breath
With a death grip on your hand
Butterflies kicking and screaming
And with a smile on my lips
And in barely a whisper
I'll be waiting to tell you,
"As they say Mr. Sherlock, no shit."
--me
(There's always a riot in California)
So I drove to the "City of Trees"
To protest on capitol steps,
To the wigs, the daft, the dumb, the deaf
In a circle marching frenzy
That lead me exactly back where I started.
I was driving to Sacramento,
Dancing to the sounds of train tracks and fog horns.
But I must have taken a wrong turn
Because now I'm paying the toll at the Golden Gate Bridge
And you can't pirouette on these one way streets.
So how did I end up in San Francisco?
Standing at the door of "J.Sherlock"
Inside this pink house with lime green accents.
How did I end up in this hello-kitty room?
With gold trimming and sheer blue curtains?
It must have been by force.
There's a riot in my stomach
It's been picketing all day.
A chorus line of butterflies
Doing the can-can to a techno beat
Played by the paint bucket and chopsticks.
I was driving without you there.
And I had taken several wrong turns
I payed the price with each cowardly breath I took.
And whenever I turned around I was more lost than before.
I blame modern technology.
(Damn modern technology).
So how did I end up here?
Inside myself and letting you in.
How did I end up tearing down these walls?
And soberly giving you access
To more than just particles
To more than just ideals
To more than pretty faces that speak pretty words
To more than this life of purpose...
This life of purposeful masquerades.
How did you do it?
How did you get inside my head?
Did I invite you there? Did I mean to?
Did you give me a roofy?
Am I even awake?
Who said? Who said you could be here?
Why do I feel so happy?
So sick? So conflicted? So exposed?
Butterflies and nausea continue their riot in my stomach
And I continue to march in a circle
While you wait patiently, holding my hand
Walking along side me stride for stride
Holding your breath and just waiting...
Waiting to say..."this is where we get off,"
"Are you ready?"
And I'll be waiting...
Anxiously holding my breath
With a death grip on your hand
Butterflies kicking and screaming
And with a smile on my lips
And in barely a whisper
I'll be waiting to tell you,
"As they say Mr. Sherlock, no shit."
--me
Friday, October 31, 2008
Prop 8 Supporter asked me to define "Love"
So here it is:
Websters:
love /lʌv/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[luhv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.
============================================
God's definition: 1 Corinthians 13
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
=============================================
My definition:
see above
Websters:
love /lʌv/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[luhv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.
============================================
God's definition: 1 Corinthians 13
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
=============================================
My definition:
see above
Monday, October 27, 2008
Would the real Thomas Jefferson please stand up?
What ever happened to The Declaration of Independence?
What was the point of that long-winded proclamation if not to state our most assured INDEPENDENCE from that which was considered "acceptable", "normal", "traditional" and "the way of things".
The men we consider to be our forefathers and founders of American democracy probably sat around playing hacky-sack with their wigs while a dunce drafted this literary drab.
It says ridiculous things repeatedly like "freedom" and "equality" and "unalienable rights".
Anarchy. That's what those words are. Straight up Anarchy.
Obviously the Declaration of Independence is no longer in effect or Today's democracy would honor little footnotes like: "We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that All Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness-That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever ANY Form of Government becomes DESTRUCTIVE of these Ends, it is the Right of the people to alter or to abolish it..."
It's obviously not very to the point so I can understand why it would be over-looked.
However, those of us who actually read the Deceleration of Independence, The Constitution and The Bill of Rights, those of us with a basic understanding of English diction...we would like to say: WE EXIST. And we exist under the same colors as the rest of The United States of America.
Jesus' epitaph did not read "p.s. gay's not included", nor did the Bill of rights say "gays exempt".
We are a nation dammit, a people of life and love. In a time of war we are a select few out to promote love, peace and the union of love and instead we seek to promote hate, judgment, prejudice and a ban on something as peaceful as marriage.
how can we be so blind?
so blind not to see that our ban on gay marriage, is the same as the KKK's ban on a free black man, hitlers ban on jews in his utopia, and societies ban on the working/voting woman.
Banning a free black man didnt stop Martin Luther King Jr or Rosa Parks, no infact it inspired the Civil Rights Movement. Hitler didnt stop the hope and impact of Einstein, Freud, or Anne Frank, no..he was defeated in World War II. Preventing a woman from voting and working as a man does didn't stop the success of the women's suffrage movement. Nor will banning people from marrying the ones they love be successful for long.
We will struggle during this war you, the prejudice-elite, have created in the new millenium where hate and judgement still run rampant. Hate spreading faster than any other cancer known to man.
Yes, we will suffer...but we will win. Just like those who lead the way before us.
Hope. Faith. Love. These three, but the greatest of these is Love.
...and it will be the ones you love to hate that show you what it means to really love.
Come on America, Declare your Independence.
What was the point of that long-winded proclamation if not to state our most assured INDEPENDENCE from that which was considered "acceptable", "normal", "traditional" and "the way of things".
The men we consider to be our forefathers and founders of American democracy probably sat around playing hacky-sack with their wigs while a dunce drafted this literary drab.
It says ridiculous things repeatedly like "freedom" and "equality" and "unalienable rights".
Anarchy. That's what those words are. Straight up Anarchy.
Obviously the Declaration of Independence is no longer in effect or Today's democracy would honor little footnotes like: "We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that All Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness-That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever ANY Form of Government becomes DESTRUCTIVE of these Ends, it is the Right of the people to alter or to abolish it..."
It's obviously not very to the point so I can understand why it would be over-looked.
However, those of us who actually read the Deceleration of Independence, The Constitution and The Bill of Rights, those of us with a basic understanding of English diction...we would like to say: WE EXIST. And we exist under the same colors as the rest of The United States of America.
Jesus' epitaph did not read "p.s. gay's not included", nor did the Bill of rights say "gays exempt".
We are a nation dammit, a people of life and love. In a time of war we are a select few out to promote love, peace and the union of love and instead we seek to promote hate, judgment, prejudice and a ban on something as peaceful as marriage.
how can we be so blind?
so blind not to see that our ban on gay marriage, is the same as the KKK's ban on a free black man, hitlers ban on jews in his utopia, and societies ban on the working/voting woman.
Banning a free black man didnt stop Martin Luther King Jr or Rosa Parks, no infact it inspired the Civil Rights Movement. Hitler didnt stop the hope and impact of Einstein, Freud, or Anne Frank, no..he was defeated in World War II. Preventing a woman from voting and working as a man does didn't stop the success of the women's suffrage movement. Nor will banning people from marrying the ones they love be successful for long.
We will struggle during this war you, the prejudice-elite, have created in the new millenium where hate and judgement still run rampant. Hate spreading faster than any other cancer known to man.
Yes, we will suffer...but we will win. Just like those who lead the way before us.
Hope. Faith. Love. These three, but the greatest of these is Love.
...and it will be the ones you love to hate that show you what it means to really love.
Come on America, Declare your Independence.
could I get the definition of family?
I have 2 straight parents. They married after 3 months of courtship in Connecticut while my father was in the Navy. 9 months later they had me...14 months later they had my sister and about 2 years after that they had the youngest of us.
Prior to my birth and as the result of a short-lived relationship my mom had with a man younger than she was i became "little sister" to my estranged half brother, where it is customary when meeting his kin or posse for them to greet me with "Oh, I didn't know he had a sister."
My father left when my youngest sister was 3 months old.
3 years of marriage, 3 kids, and 3 months of pre-nuptials lead to a bitter divorce, infidelity, and a life-long battle with depression for my mom.
How did my father fare? he married the woman he cheated with, adopted her 2 daughters and now lives in upper-class suburbia where he runs for political offices in his community.
So tell me, oh ye better educated, what IS family and wherever did you get your definition?
Skip ahead 17 years later, after a child and teen-hood of physical, sexual, emotional and mental abuse. I get diagnosed with menniers disease and lose my hearing because of so-called "stress", I miss a year of high school, I drop out, get my g.e.d., move out of the house, get arrested for allegedly being "a runaway", and somehow make it out of their alive without ever once turning to drugs, sex or alcohol. By the time I was 17 I had completed a year and a half of college course work and maintained a 3.8 grade point average, while also being the MVP for the soccer team. (My jersey number, ironically was 3...my mantra, now and forever being my holocaust branding).
I was, by all accounts, not typical.
My family was the cause for a lot of unnecessary pain in my life. Each person trying desperately to be what they're not. Whether my dad wasn't Christian enough, or my mom wasn't wild enough, my brother wasn't "legitimate" enough, or my sisters and i not collateral enough...
We all fell short.
What saved me from sex, high school partying, drugs, alcohol, and teen depression were my faith and the people I CONSIDER "family".
"My family" was made up of 3 kids who weren't afraid to exist. We found each other in the dark and made our way to the light, guided by our faith and our instinct of what it means to be alive. We were all emotionally drowning.
"My family" came from a past of cutting, abuse of every kind, suicide, masochism, self-loathing, and pain.
"My family" is in no way related to me, we don't share the same ancestry or bloodline. One of us is Gay, One of us is celibate, and One of us is straight and straight up lost.
And WE ARE A FAMILY. We three, are a unit. We share the same pain, the same faith, the same hope, the same love and the same God.
We have the same needs, the need for companionship, understanding, acceptance, patience, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, and unadulterated love. The need for God, the need for food, drink, sex, and complete and utter honesty.
We are by all accounts, made equal. And by all accounts are equally driven to seek out love wherever it is best found. Be it in God, man, woman, same sex, or opposite sex.
Being Gay is not to make up for what we didn't get as a child, being straight isn't an testament to a strong-loving home, and being celibate is not a result of rape or sexual abuse.
My part gay, part straight, part celibate family saved me from death. They saved my from a life of anger, resentment and hate. "My family" taught me love.
And because of THAT "family", I am finally able to heal with my own family.
Vote no on 8 not because you're against "Family" but because you're for a family that actually wants to be together.
Prior to my birth and as the result of a short-lived relationship my mom had with a man younger than she was i became "little sister" to my estranged half brother, where it is customary when meeting his kin or posse for them to greet me with "Oh, I didn't know he had a sister."
My father left when my youngest sister was 3 months old.
3 years of marriage, 3 kids, and 3 months of pre-nuptials lead to a bitter divorce, infidelity, and a life-long battle with depression for my mom.
How did my father fare? he married the woman he cheated with, adopted her 2 daughters and now lives in upper-class suburbia where he runs for political offices in his community.
So tell me, oh ye better educated, what IS family and wherever did you get your definition?
Skip ahead 17 years later, after a child and teen-hood of physical, sexual, emotional and mental abuse. I get diagnosed with menniers disease and lose my hearing because of so-called "stress", I miss a year of high school, I drop out, get my g.e.d., move out of the house, get arrested for allegedly being "a runaway", and somehow make it out of their alive without ever once turning to drugs, sex or alcohol. By the time I was 17 I had completed a year and a half of college course work and maintained a 3.8 grade point average, while also being the MVP for the soccer team. (My jersey number, ironically was 3...my mantra, now and forever being my holocaust branding).
I was, by all accounts, not typical.
My family was the cause for a lot of unnecessary pain in my life. Each person trying desperately to be what they're not. Whether my dad wasn't Christian enough, or my mom wasn't wild enough, my brother wasn't "legitimate" enough, or my sisters and i not collateral enough...
We all fell short.
What saved me from sex, high school partying, drugs, alcohol, and teen depression were my faith and the people I CONSIDER "family".
"My family" was made up of 3 kids who weren't afraid to exist. We found each other in the dark and made our way to the light, guided by our faith and our instinct of what it means to be alive. We were all emotionally drowning.
"My family" came from a past of cutting, abuse of every kind, suicide, masochism, self-loathing, and pain.
"My family" is in no way related to me, we don't share the same ancestry or bloodline. One of us is Gay, One of us is celibate, and One of us is straight and straight up lost.
And WE ARE A FAMILY. We three, are a unit. We share the same pain, the same faith, the same hope, the same love and the same God.
We have the same needs, the need for companionship, understanding, acceptance, patience, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, and unadulterated love. The need for God, the need for food, drink, sex, and complete and utter honesty.
We are by all accounts, made equal. And by all accounts are equally driven to seek out love wherever it is best found. Be it in God, man, woman, same sex, or opposite sex.
Being Gay is not to make up for what we didn't get as a child, being straight isn't an testament to a strong-loving home, and being celibate is not a result of rape or sexual abuse.
My part gay, part straight, part celibate family saved me from death. They saved my from a life of anger, resentment and hate. "My family" taught me love.
And because of THAT "family", I am finally able to heal with my own family.
Vote no on 8 not because you're against "Family" but because you're for a family that actually wants to be together.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
resuscitate me.
im doing it. no hands. i'm breathing.
with each intake filled with knives and thorns,
my lungs, polluted, shut down.
now im opening up my chest instead,
im taking it all in.
i feel it now -
the knives.
the thorns.
resuscitate me not with fists, pumps & a stranger's strange breath.
give me the daggers, glass and thorns.
fill my lungs, through my chest, with what's real.
i'll choke it down and exhale it out for the earth to recycle
and then breathe it in again, and again until i only breathe what's real.
i can finally feel. i can finally breathe. i can finally move.
there was no cure, no resuscitator. just choking, suffocating.
who knew self-preservation looked like dying,
and feeling pain was suddenly being alive?
"there's no hiding anymore, i can't return to who i was before.
this revolution's not easy with a civil war on the inside. take the wheel",
she said, "as i wander. i can finally breathe - I'm suddenly alive".
-me
with each intake filled with knives and thorns,
my lungs, polluted, shut down.
now im opening up my chest instead,
im taking it all in.
i feel it now -
the knives.
the thorns.
resuscitate me not with fists, pumps & a stranger's strange breath.
give me the daggers, glass and thorns.
fill my lungs, through my chest, with what's real.
i'll choke it down and exhale it out for the earth to recycle
and then breathe it in again, and again until i only breathe what's real.
i can finally feel. i can finally breathe. i can finally move.
there was no cure, no resuscitator. just choking, suffocating.
who knew self-preservation looked like dying,
and feeling pain was suddenly being alive?
"there's no hiding anymore, i can't return to who i was before.
this revolution's not easy with a civil war on the inside. take the wheel",
she said, "as i wander. i can finally breathe - I'm suddenly alive".
-me
Sunday, August 31, 2008
ship to: self.
I call a quit's.
At least the better version of myself does.
I'm asking for a truce. A treaty. A fucking break is what I'm really asking for.
Yes. A fucking moment's peace.
I've happened upon many a arrogant ass hole, that have said: "I always get what I want". My philosophy is that that person was just willing enough to degrade themselves long enough and low enough to get it.
I've come out on top many a time, only to slowly realize that I was passed out cold on broken glass that had been loudly reflecting my own broken image, as a cruel reminder that the only thing I'm on top of is my own shit. And it was tearing into me inside and out, making me bleed an ugly shade of black. Who or what was I willing to become to get what it was that I had so desperately wanted, that had now so effortlessly slaughtered my identity? I had become, not myself.
=====================================================
This could be my period talking. the blood reference suddenly makes a whole lot of sense at 4:30 in the morning. disgusting i know. but i have news for you: your shit stinks too! I digress.
No matter, read on as if I was just your average, run of the mill, POST menopausal wench emoting via "blog" about little to do about nothing. (digression deux).
======================================================
To the girl who lost her boyfriend. Yes he said he loved you, yes he said he wanted to be with you. And yes he is leaving you RIGHT NOW! he is leaving, because now he is saying that for whatever reason...he just doesn't want that anymore. He's "JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!" You can beg. you can cry. you can promise after promise that blah blah blah...and he may hesitate while turning the door knob. but only long enough to realize that you're begging him to stay and he gets the scene-stealing dignified exit. No, this is not a game, nor a play and i definitely don't mean to make light of it. however, something needed to be said. because lets face it, you're embarrassing yourself.
It's amiable to want to give it a good shot, an honest go, and "the good old college try"; in fact i encourage it. but believe you me my frown runs deep upon the weepers and the beggars.
Listen to me now, listen close. If you are begging him to stay it could be very well that you are in love with him. Or it could be that you are so insecure that no one will ever look at you again that you at least want his half way out the door attention then no attention at all. and thats just lame sweetheart.
look at yourself. you're a fox dammit. a mother fucking fox. and boy foxes will swoon. but unrequited love only works for Jesus and you aren't Him. That's why He's Jesus. So...since He set the pace by being the only person able enough to stand an existence and a death amongst and for a people who didn't love Him...let us not compete for His strength but revel in His victory that WE are ALL loved.
That being said...you can now stop trying to be this person's savior, and go find a person who reciprocates your feelings of endearment.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
To the arrogant s.o.b. that promised her everything but gave her dirty knees instead. you suck. and i mean...YOU SUCK!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Myself. Enough is enough. I lost me to me because I wanted to get my way. But you know what, my way starts with me. And right now I don't know who the hell that is, but it's not this. It's not looking up at the world from 2 feet off the ground. Look at me...you are gone and I exist. My identity, my self-worth, my very being will never depend on you again.
there, i said it. i've been exposed. i'm "broken" and im not the least bit ashamed.
its crunch time baby, and you're blocking my view so get the HELL outta my way.
At least the better version of myself does.
I'm asking for a truce. A treaty. A fucking break is what I'm really asking for.
Yes. A fucking moment's peace.
I've happened upon many a arrogant ass hole, that have said: "I always get what I want". My philosophy is that that person was just willing enough to degrade themselves long enough and low enough to get it.
I've come out on top many a time, only to slowly realize that I was passed out cold on broken glass that had been loudly reflecting my own broken image, as a cruel reminder that the only thing I'm on top of is my own shit. And it was tearing into me inside and out, making me bleed an ugly shade of black. Who or what was I willing to become to get what it was that I had so desperately wanted, that had now so effortlessly slaughtered my identity? I had become, not myself.
=====================================================
This could be my period talking. the blood reference suddenly makes a whole lot of sense at 4:30 in the morning. disgusting i know. but i have news for you: your shit stinks too! I digress.
No matter, read on as if I was just your average, run of the mill, POST menopausal wench emoting via "blog" about little to do about nothing. (digression deux).
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To the girl who lost her boyfriend. Yes he said he loved you, yes he said he wanted to be with you. And yes he is leaving you RIGHT NOW! he is leaving, because now he is saying that for whatever reason...he just doesn't want that anymore. He's "JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!" You can beg. you can cry. you can promise after promise that blah blah blah...and he may hesitate while turning the door knob. but only long enough to realize that you're begging him to stay and he gets the scene-stealing dignified exit. No, this is not a game, nor a play and i definitely don't mean to make light of it. however, something needed to be said. because lets face it, you're embarrassing yourself.
It's amiable to want to give it a good shot, an honest go, and "the good old college try"; in fact i encourage it. but believe you me my frown runs deep upon the weepers and the beggars.
Listen to me now, listen close. If you are begging him to stay it could be very well that you are in love with him. Or it could be that you are so insecure that no one will ever look at you again that you at least want his half way out the door attention then no attention at all. and thats just lame sweetheart.
look at yourself. you're a fox dammit. a mother fucking fox. and boy foxes will swoon. but unrequited love only works for Jesus and you aren't Him. That's why He's Jesus. So...since He set the pace by being the only person able enough to stand an existence and a death amongst and for a people who didn't love Him...let us not compete for His strength but revel in His victory that WE are ALL loved.
That being said...you can now stop trying to be this person's savior, and go find a person who reciprocates your feelings of endearment.
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To the arrogant s.o.b. that promised her everything but gave her dirty knees instead. you suck. and i mean...YOU SUCK!!!!
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To Myself. Enough is enough. I lost me to me because I wanted to get my way. But you know what, my way starts with me. And right now I don't know who the hell that is, but it's not this. It's not looking up at the world from 2 feet off the ground. Look at me...you are gone and I exist. My identity, my self-worth, my very being will never depend on you again.
there, i said it. i've been exposed. i'm "broken" and im not the least bit ashamed.
its crunch time baby, and you're blocking my view so get the HELL outta my way.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
revised.
Everyday we live is a risky business. The riskiest of businesses in fact. We step outside our wal-mart sheets, plaid pajama pants and toe socks and we embrace the world hoping to God that it will embrace back. If for only one moment it would hold you in its bosom and say: "you belong". Yet there is a simple peace about rejection, about not fitting in, not being understood. At first it's exasperating and you feel trapped in a self-shaking snow globe screaming to get out, screaming for it to just stop snowing so you can have a little clarity.
The child you were bought for grows bored with you and doesn't see all your innovations for self preservation. You are just another toy, another tool, another thing collecting dust. But in your own mind you are a pioneer for no one but yourself. It is YOUR story so you might as well write it and not let others dictate the outcome for you, and while no one is looking you may have just created the most beautiful snow angel the world has ever seen.
If we are so set on breaking the mold and busting the figurative boxes, why do we subject ourselves to "just" cliquism?
I'm not bread to speak my heart so often as I speak my mind. This was a feeble attempt at both...but I'm afraid I've already lost my train of thought.
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