It's the peak of fall which means it's also the climax of my personal allergy Hell.
For some of you an allergy is a pesky sneeze from time to time and maybe a slight topical itch. We're talking dream affliction compared to my nightmare.
Me? I have no ordinary allergy.
I am completely and utterly useless during this time and remedying the problem has proved to be a fruitless endeavor. I've gone at this from every angle, taken extreme precautions, and fought the good fight against dust, leaves, and cats for as long as I can remember.
There's no stopping mother nature's untidiness.
She insists on sweeping her crap in my general direction - using a Herculean sized fan pointed at my face as her choice brooming method.
Dear Great Mother, please meet my favorite tactile member.
Therefore, since the universe has declared war on me - I am declaring war on IT! I am hereby advocating today - and every other day in this season of infamy - as a homo sapien hibernation. I will spend my time in bubble baths and knitting hypoallergenic wool.
There's no two ways about it. I've taken every drug out there recommended to numb the pain and NOTHING works.
Currently I pop the CVS rip-off of Benedryl. You can't possibly mistake it's intended purpose. It says ALLERGY MEDICINE in big pink block lettering. I've experienced several high and low points while on these pink demons. I've learned that when taken on an empty stomach they can alter your behavior to a point not unlike insobriety (this was the high point I mentioned earlier). I don't recommend doing this before morning meetings, ESPECIALLY if you work in the health-care industry emphasizing in geriatrics. I read that somewhere, it was a disclaimer or something...
But not to despair - your self medicating practice is not all in vain!
We'll forget that in your hopeless desperation for clear nasal passages and a throat not made of thistle, that you soon give up and give in to the power of the pink pill and fall into a bizarre sleep and when awakened you feel neither rested nor on the mend - just horribly, horribly confused about where you are, how you got there, why you're missing your pants and if that vivid memory about goat herding in the Swiss Alps was a dream or not (and this was the low point...).
We won't mention that you speak incoherent sentences that leave sales clerks morally obligated to ask you if "[you're] okay to drive". And let's not talk about the blogs you write at 2 in the morning paying homage to your allergy medication. And we certainly don't need to discuss the other elite residents in the bathroom cabinet, such as "Aspirin" from the 99cent store and "Pain Pills" from Wal-Mart.
Oh the (generic) lives we lead.
These labels clearly demonstrate the superiority of our reasoning skills; without them where would we be? Stuck between the Ben-Gay and the Zyban, that's where. Personally I am thankful that my medication doesn't pretend to be anything else. It doesn't need to be fancy like "Tylenol" or clever like "DayQuil". It is simply "I am allergy medication, and I am pink". And for that extra step it's saved me from reading it's .4 font label on the back indicating it's medicinal qualifications, I am grateful.
I really need to learn to knit.
