The days where nothing goes right,
everything falls apart, and you're left cursing the day you were born.
I don't think I need to get in to the gory details for you to understand where I'm coming from.
This blog isn't for your enjoyment, it's for my own sanity...and frankly that isn't pretty either so don't come here looking for inspiration. I'm fresh out.
Right now I'm so emotionally conflicted that I don't even know what format to write in. This is my biggest dilemma. Do I write in paragraph or open-rhyme? More conflict. That's all I need.
For as long as I can remember I have been a pretty guarded individual. Some of you that know me will agree whole heartedly while others of you don't think that describes me at all.
Confused?
Me too.
Bare with me.
Everyone is "guarded" for their own reasons and under their own conditions. Being so looks different for every person but it has some very distinctive characteristics. I don't need to dumb it down for you here. I'm sure all of us could name a few. Here's my problem. In all of the mess that has been my life I have been either too smart or too stupid to remain closed off for long.
I know just as well as any other talk show host that being guarded and not allowing others access to you only leads to a life of loneliness and unfulfillment.
So my intelligence tells me that I don't want that.
However, not being guarded allows people to perpetually destroy the things that matter, the things you worked hardest for, the things that define you.
So it's with my stupidity that I open back up.
Here's me in a nut shell...(men this is your warning)
I am indeed emotionally and mentally closed off.
I open up temporarily...almost just to get a breath of fresh air...and than in no time at all I close back up and resume my emotional hibernation.
The "why?" doesn't matter. It simply is how it is. I haven't decided to live with it forever yet, but I haven't decided to change it either.
We've all been hurt. My story isn't any more magnificent than anyone else's. We each of us take what we can handle. And what tears me apart may be more or less what tears you apart.
What gets me are the times when you thought you were safe behind your mile high walls. You hadn't cried in ages, your chest hadn't burned from hyper ventilation since high school, and your head didn't feel like it was going to explode from a "tear migraine" that inevitably ensues after a good breakdown. Just when you feel like nothing can get at you its the people who were allowed inside (family, best friends, your dog, etc.) that are able to do the most damage.
For me, allowing those "safe" people in was very low on the risk factor. These were, after all, the people that were supposed to love you no matter what. Not because of personality or merit but because of obligation, of course. You figure, your family, at least, is a guaranteed "free space".
I hate to be the one to tell you this but it's an urban myth. All of it.
People are people. Loyalty, ancestry, and faithfulness died along with Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.
I apologize for this not being the ray of hope type of rubbish that you are all used to from me...think of it as me exercising my versatility as a writer, if that makes you feel better.
I haven't found that healthy balance yet. I want to be open without being transparent, without falling in love every 5 minutes, without being with the person every second of the day and without selling myself short to the first johnny-come-lately that appreciates my cooking. I want to be guarded without being cold, without being apathetic, and without being dissatisfied with everything and everyone.
I haven't really decided what kind of girl I am but I want to be somewhere in the middle instead of drowning in an undertow on one side only to be hurled up temporarily to get a glimpse of the other.
There is a balance. Maybe it's at the bottom of this margarita glass. It's certainly not in relationships. I've looked. And it's not in self-help books neither. I could tell you it's in God, because that would be the Christian thing of me to say...but that's another relationship that would also call for an even healthier "balance". So I don't think it's there either.
And now I feel guilty, I've written this long verbose thing and I don't have a solution for you.
I'm lost just like a good amount of people out there. I'm searching for the same answers, quite possible under the same rocks as a lot of you. I don't have it all figured out. Actually, I don't have much figured out. And there in lies the problem. When you find yourself on the right side of the wall you built only to find that it could be destroyed from within too, you tend to lose direction. If there was a mistake made, I could fix it, if feelings were hurt I could apologize for it...but in the instance when there's neither nothing to apologize for and no mistakes to undo..all you can do is wait.
...and I hate waiting.
